430 lines
19 KiB
Python
430 lines
19 KiB
Python
#!/usr/bin/env python
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"""
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Catapult by Stalwart <stlwrt@gmail.com>
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Licensed under GNU GPL 2
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"""
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import weechat
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import random
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weechat.register("Catapult", "0.1", "", "Less ordinary abuse generator")
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weechat.add_command_handler("slap", "slapper", "Creative slapper", "<target>", "", "%n")
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weechat.add_command_handler("fortune", "fortune", "Fortune cookies!")
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weechat.add_command_handler("winjoke", "winjoke", "Windoze jokes")
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weechat.add_command_handler("linjoke", "linjoke", "Linux jokes")
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weechat.add_command_handler("give", "giver", "Creative giver", "<target>", "", "%n")
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weechat.add_command_handler("hate", "hater", "Creative hater", "<target>", "", "%n")
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weechat.add_command_handler("love", "lover", "Creative lover", "<target>", "", "%n")
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weechat.add_command_handler("dance", "dancer", "Creative dancer", "<target>", "", "%n")
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# slapper
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def slapper(server, args):
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objects = [
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"a rather large squid",
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"a hydraulic pump",
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"a book by Stephen King",
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"a 10mbit network card",
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"a ladies handbag",
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"some girl scouts",
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"a football team",
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"a bottle",
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"a yellow marshmellow",
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"a match",
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"the queen of England",
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"a taxi",
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"100 feet of wire",
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"a bag of Cheerios",
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"a hat",
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"a fist",
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"the back hand",
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"with the forehead",
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"a computer moniter",
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"a coconut",
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"a microfone",
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"a cellphone",
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"a snowplough",
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"a doggy",
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"Bill Clinton",
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"a stone",
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"a club. With a nail in it",
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"a small asteroid, rich in iron",
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"a small interstellar spaceship",
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"a fresh zuccini",
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"a laptop",
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"a big dictionary",
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"a baseball bat",
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"NeverNet",
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"some porn",
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"a mIRC script",
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"a canoe",
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"a tortoise",
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"a horse",
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"the book of Kells",
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"a whale",
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"a rubber dildo",
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"a well groomed poodle",
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"a channel operator",
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"a news paper (New York Times Sunday Edition)",
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"a gnarly werewolf",
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"a vampire. They really suck",
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"a perl script",
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"a bag of doggie chow",
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"a fat walrus",
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"an IP adress",
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"a catholic priest",
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"James Dean",
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"Ronald MacDonald (he *IS* good for something)",
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"Autoconf version 2.13",
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"a PRIVMSG",
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"an email adress",
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"some ANSI color codes",
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"a thermonuclear weapon. Yehaw",
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"the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy, revised edition",
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"Nessie, the Loch Ness monster",
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"a tuna. Still in the can! *BONK* That will leave a mark",
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"a few fluffy pillows",
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"a red chinese dragon",
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"a linux-manual (signed by L. Torvalds)",
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"Stage1",
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"Bill Gates underpants",
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"GM Abraham and the whole OW-Staff",
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"Sphere 1.0",
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"a Linuxkernel",
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"Lenin's Collected Works",
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"Stalin's Collected Works",
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"a iron Tux",
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"a glowing 23",
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"your mum (CLEAN YOUR ROOM!)",
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"a complete GNOME-Documentation",
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"a Portagetree",
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"thand[Z]'s transparent Tanga",
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"a Kernelpanic",
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"Windoze XP",
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"an AK-47 (die, you imperialist dog!)",
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"a bag full with Michael Jacksons droped noses",
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"an NBP-Manifesto (Hail Limonew! Hail our Leader! Hail!)",
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"an NBP-Flag (Lead us to freedom, Leader Limonew!)",
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"Mein Kampf (Doppelausgabe, Hardcover)",
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"Invader Zim's iron fist",
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"some ASCII-Arts",
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"The Family Learning Channel",
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"GOD",
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"Dorian Grey's picture",
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"some unlocked Grenades *BOOM*",
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"the Win2k Buglist",
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"a widescreen TV (it can damage your brain!)",
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"a chain saw",
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"a huge tree"
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]
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if args <> "":
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weechat.command("/me slaps %s with %s." % (args, random.choice(objects)))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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else:
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weechat.prnt("You must specify target")
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_KO
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# fortune cookies
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def fortune(server, args):
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objects = [
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"There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.",
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"BOFH Excuse #118: the router thinks its a printer.",
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"CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!",
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"Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.",
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"An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. A pessimist is a married optimist.",
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"There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.",
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"It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!",
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"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed. -- Robin, The Boy Wonder",
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"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.",
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"A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.",
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"Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- Chazal",
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"Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.",
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"UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.",
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"Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.",
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"I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.",
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"The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT.",
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"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. -- Alex Schure",
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"Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...",
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"Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang",
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"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.",
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"Yow! I just went below the poverty line!",
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"Break into jail and claim police brutality.",
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"BOFH Excuse #290: The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.",
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"Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?",
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"We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.",
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"BOFH Excuse #170: popper unable to process jumbo kernel",
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"It's later than you think.",
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"My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!",
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"Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.",
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"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.",
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"Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. -- Goethe",
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"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. -- Richard Lewis",
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"grasshopotomaus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.",
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"It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.",
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"Facts are the enemy of truth. -- Don Quixote",
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"Forty two.",
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"BOFH Excuse #424: operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)",
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"Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.",
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"BOFH Excuse #60: system has been recalled",
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"Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete discord.",
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"A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- Aristotle",
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"The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. -- Albertano of Brescia",
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"Hello again, Peabody here... -- Mister Peabody",
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"Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.",
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"Dogs crawl under fences... software crawls under Windows 95.",
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"Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.",
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"NOTICE: -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)",
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"THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUSINESSES LIKE SHOW BUSINESS -- Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 1F19",
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"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -- John Lennon, Beautiful Boy",
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"While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.",
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"Emacs, n.: A slow-moving parody of a text editor.",
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" ... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it.",
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"Princess Leia: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?",
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"The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the 'state legislator'",
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"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.",
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"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. -- Red Smith",
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"Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, In kernel as it is in user!",
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"All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri",
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"The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.",
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"Professor: 'If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be out of loop.'",
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"I WILL NOT MAKE FLATUENT NOISES IN CLASS -- Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 7F13",
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"Listen you donkey raping shit eater.",
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"In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.",
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"One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!",
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"I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.",
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -- Oscar Wilde",
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"Bender to Zoidberg: 'You're looking less nuts, crabby.'",
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"Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.",
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"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.",
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented. -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899",
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"Vote anarchist.",
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"paranoia, n.: A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.",
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"BOFH Excuse #401: Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.",
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"BOFH Excuse #200: The monitor needs another box of pixels.",
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"The important thing is not to stop questioning.",
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"Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets.",
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"Oh my god, dude!",
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"BOFH Excuse #441: Hash table has woodworm",
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"BOFH Excuse #112: The monitor is plugged into the serial port",
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"There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.",
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"For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.",
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"Reality continues to ruin my life. -- Calvin",
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"The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Alito",
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"BOFH Excuse #192: runaway cat on system.",
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"My haircut is totally traditional!",
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"You! What PLANET is this! -- McCoy, 'The City on the Edge of Forever', stardate 3134.0",
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"BOFH Excuse #433: error: one bad user found in front of screen",
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"Dyslexics have more fnu.",
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"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!",
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"It's clever, but is it art?",
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"His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.",
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"Yeah. Except for being entirely different, they're pretty much the same.",
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"Oh, I get it!! 'The BEACH goes on', huh, SONNY??",
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"Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.",
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"Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.",
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"If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!",
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"Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!",
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"clovek, ktory si ako prvy kupil fax musel byt strasny kokot.",
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"Are you a turtle?",
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"You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.",
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"If in doubt, mumble.",
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"Nice guys don't finish nice.",
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"You cannot use your friends and have them too.",
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"Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine.",
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"panic: can't find /",
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"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.",
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"May your SO always know when you need a hug.",
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"We are MicroSoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. (Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)",
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"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.",
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"BOFH Excuse #347: The rubber band broke",
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"Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.",
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"There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.",
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"C for yourself.",
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"Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.",
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"Shit Happens."
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]
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weechat.command(("Wanda the Fish says: %s") % random.choice(objects))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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# winjoke
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def winjoke(server, args):
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objects = [
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"Windows NT, from the people who invented EDLIN!",
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"Windows: Microsoft's tax on computer illiterates.",
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"The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.",
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"Why use Windows, since there is a door?",
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"In a world without fences who needs Gates?",
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"Another name for a Windows tutorial is crash course!",
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"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.",
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"NT... the last two letters of bowel movement",
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"Some software money can't buy. For everything else there's Micros~1.",
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"Sticks and Stones may break my bones but FUD will never concern me.",
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"Every program expands until it can send mail. ...Except Exchange. ",
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"Microsoft: 'You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.'",
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".vbs = Virus Bearing Script?",
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"Technology is positive when the creators put the interests of their users before their bottom line.",
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"Have you ever noticed that at trade shows Microsoft is always the one giving away stress balls?",
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"Do you remember when you only had to pay for windows when *you* broke them? (Submitted by Noel Maddy)",
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"National Weather Service advice for those threatened by severe thunderstorms: 'Go inside a sturdy building and stay away from WINDOWS!' (Submitted by Ben Bullock)",
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"Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine.",
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"Microsoft should switch to the vacuum cleaner business where people actually want products that suck. (Submitted by Bruno Bratti)",
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"Everyone seems so impatient and angry these days. I think it's because so many people use Windows at work -- do you think you'd be Politeness Man after working on Windows 8 hrs. or more? (Submitted by Chip Atkinson)",
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"NT 5.0 so vaporous it's in danger of being added to the periodic table as a noble gas. (Spotted in a Slashdot discussion)",
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"My Beowulf cluster will beat your Windows NT network any day. (Submitted by wbogardt[at]gte.net)",
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"It's no wonder they call it WinNT; WNT = VMS++; (Submitted by Chris Abbey)",
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"Double your disk space - delete Windows! (Submitted by Albert Dorofeev)",
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"The Edsel. New Coke. Windows 2000. All mandatory case studies for bizschool students in 2020. (From a LinuxToday post by Bear Giles)",
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"I will never trust someone called GATES that sells WINDOWS. (Submitted by Federico Roman)",
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"'Microsoft technology' -- isn't that an oxymoron?",
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"MCSE == Mentally Challenged Slave of the Empire.",
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"Windows NT -- it'll drive you buggy!",
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"Where do you want to go today? Don't ask Microsoft for directions.",
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"MS and Y2K: Windows 95, 98, ... and back again to 01",
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"There's the light at the end of the the Windows.",
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"People use dummies for crash-tests. Windows is so difficult they had to educate the dummies first -- by giving them 'Windows for Dummies' books!",
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"Windows: The first user interface where you click Start to turn it off.",
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"NT == No Thanks",
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"With Windows Millennium, Microsoft was able to get the boot time down to 25 seconds. That's almost as short as it's uptime.",
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"Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet. The Internet: Designed for UNIX.",
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"MCSE = Minesweeper Consultant, Solitaire Expert",
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"MCSE = Meaningless Certificate, Software Expired",
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"I'm not a programmer, but I play one at Microsoft.",
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"Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue screen.",
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"The next hot technology from Microsoft will be object-oriented assembly."
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]
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weechat.command(("Wanda the Fish says: %s") % random.choice(objects))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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# linjoke
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def linjoke(server, args):
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objects = [
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"Got Linux?",
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"Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.",
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"Linux, DOS, Windows NT -- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly",
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"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment",
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"If Bill Gates is the Devil then Linus Torvalds must be the Messiah.",
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"Linux. Where do you want to go tomorrow?",
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"Linux: The choice of a GNU generation",
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"When you say I wrote a program that crashed Windows, people just stare at you blankly and say Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*. -- Linus Torvalds",
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"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. -- Linus Torvalds",
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"Some people have told me they dont think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. Theyd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had. -- Linus Torvalds",
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"Veni, vidi, Linux!",
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"Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.",
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"Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.",
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"Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware",
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"We are Linux. Resistance is measured in Ohms.",
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"Free Software: the Software by the People, of the People and for the People. Develop! Share! Enhance! and Enjoy! (Submitted by Andy Tai)",
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"Get it up, keep it up... LINUX: Viagra for the PC. (Submitted by Chris Abbey)",
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"Peace, Love and Compile the kernel.... (Submitted by Justin L. Herreman)",
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"Free your software, and your ass will follow",
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"Reset button? Which reset button? - Linux, the OS that never sleeps.",
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"Linux: Where do you want to GO... Oh, Im already there!",
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"Windows contains FAT. Use Linux -- you wont ever have to worry about your weight.",
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"Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!",
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"Unix: Where /sbin/init is still Job 1."
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]
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weechat.command(("Wanda the Fish says: %s") % random.choice(objects))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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# giver
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def giver(server, args):
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objects = [
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"a binary four",
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"a nice cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP",
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"an asskick",
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"a sign: 'Please kill yourself'",
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"a sign: 'Please go home now'",
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"an unlocked Grenade *tick tick BOOM*",
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"a gun - do it for mankind!"
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]
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if args <> "":
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weechat.command("/me gives %s %s." % (args, random.choice(objects)))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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else:
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weechat.prnt("You must specify target")
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_KO
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# hater
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def hater(server, args):
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objects = [
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"so much, that he spits hellfire",
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"so much, that he want's to shoot someone",
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"SOOOO MUUUUCH!!!"
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]
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if args <> "":
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weechat.command("/me hates %s %s." % (args, random.choice(objects)))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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else:
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weechat.prnt("You must specify target")
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_KO
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# lover
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def lover(server, args):
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actions = [
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"a *mwah*",
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"a wet kiss",
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"a tight and long hug",
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"an ass-squeeze",
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"a tight hug",
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"a wet kiss",
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"a nice, tight hug",
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"a kiss on the cheek",
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"a wet, french kiss",
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"a kiss",
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"a hug",
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"sex",
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"sweet romance",
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"some groping",
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"bed actions",
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"oral sex",
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"a porn-tape",
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"anal love",
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]
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if args <> "":
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weechat.command("/me cheers %s with %s.." % (args, random.choice(actions)))
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
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else:
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weechat.prnt("You must specify target")
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return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_KO
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# dancer
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def dancer(server, args):
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objects = [
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"used condoms",
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"condoms",
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"used tampons",
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"tampons",
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"roses",
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"rosebuds",
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"rice",
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"uncooked rice",
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"bananas",
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"little pieces of paper with the text *YAY!* on",
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"little pieces of paper with the text *w00t!* on",
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"little pieces of paper with the text *WOOHOO!* on",
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"little pieces of paper with the text *Kiss my cheek!* on",
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"coconuts with faces on",
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"little pieces of paper with the text *LOVE ROCKS!* on",
|
|
"little pieces of paper with the text *LETS HAVE SEX!* on",
|
|
"little pieces of paper with the text *GOD BLESS AMERICA!* on",
|
|
"balloons with faces on",
|
|
"balloons",
|
|
"chocolate cakes",
|
|
"english teachers",
|
|
"pr0n magazines",
|
|
"vietnamese kids",
|
|
"snowballs",
|
|
"rocks",
|
|
"Michael Jackson (naked)",
|
|
"unlocked Grenades *BOOM*",
|
|
"Nine Inch Nails",
|
|
"Bodyparts (bloody, wet & sexy)",
|
|
]
|
|
if args <> "":
|
|
weechat.command("/me dances around %s throwing %s.." % (args, random.choice(objects)))
|
|
return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_OK
|
|
else:
|
|
weechat.prnt("You must specify target")
|
|
return weechat.PLUGIN_RC_KO
|